[ Most occupants, yes. Clive, on the other hand, doesn't fall into that category. Many a night he does not, often finding himself lost in thoughts. Doubts. Uncertainties. Worries about the future, if he is truly doing the right thing when so many seem to suffer immediate consequences for actions he has decided on their behalf.
Some nights it is nightmares. Long passed are the ones of that night that have changed their lives and put them on this course, but of all the things that he's had to do simply to survive to this day.
Such moments would take him outside his door, overlooking the hideaway in general. The sound of the blighted waters were close enough to those of the pristine oceans. Echoes of the night at least seem to put his mind at ease, for the time being. However, tonight he senses that he is not alone in his restlessness. Clive's feet take him from his quarters and down to the tables.
Spotting Joshua, Clive puts his hands on his hips. No doubt his brother will know that he, too, is awake. There is little hiding from one another now. There is no longer any desire to as Clive crosses the distance and takes a seat across from the his taller sibling. ]
Molly is going to be quite upset if you waste her stores with a cup left half full.
[There was a time when Joshua only had solitary thoughts. Lonely and empty things drifted through his mind as he crossed the country with Jote. When he was alone in every other sense and the Undying weren't watching from far away.
But those times seem to be very much over now. Being surrounded by people almost every single day here in the hideaway now is a blessing. At first, it was a little difficult to get used to the noise but now that he has he quite likes it. It reminds him of times when people would be gathered in the yard for all matters of things in Rosaria.
Yet... He might still jump just slightly when his brother joins him.]
Brother. You're still awake.
[He smiles slightly and then frowns down at his untouched drink.]
... I've never quite gotten used to the burn it leaves on my throat, to be honest.
[ For years now he's known, in his heart, that Joshua had survived. That he had lived on, though apart from him. It had broken his heart, yes, knowing that Joshua had elected to remain at a distance. Though he knows why now, it had been a bitter medicine to take. At least now they stand side by side to face what may yet come. Clive is awash by emotion every time he looks upon his younger brother and sees him.
Whole. Alive. But still unable to eat carrots and as stubborn as a Big Horn about taking his own medicine. ]
All the better for it, really. I'm sure you've seen what Gav is like when he is well into his cups.
[ To have a conversation. To be able to actually be together. It is a blessing that he never wants to overlook. And Clive will be the Shield he had always meant to be. ]
[It had broken Joshua's heart to be so far apart from his older brother as well. And while he had his reasons, his goals, it hadn't made it any less easy. But now that they are together again Joshua wonders if he should have come to his brother earlier than he had.
That feeling he gets when his brother looks at him with that long-lost fondness, though. He smiles.]
I know all too well. The last time there was a round of drinks here I was certain he was singing all versions of the chocobo medley he could think of. On repeat. [He sighs.] And I do believe that round of drinks was all thanks to you.
[It is good to have a conversation with Clive again. Although they may be grown adults now and it's lost the innocence they used to have. Finding a moment to bring up something like that is good. But it might also add to a bit of Joshua's uneasiness.]
As for my thoughts... I was only thinking of how lively this place has been even in these darker days. And I can't help wondering if I might not exactly ... fit in.
[ If Joshua were to ask Clive's opinion on the matter, the older sibling would tell him that too much time had been wasted apart. The caged Ultima inside of Joshua hadn't truly been a reason to keep his distance, not when it is clear that doing so hadn't hindered the creature's work.
Seeing Joshua smile, even if it is wane or uneasy, brings a rare one to Clive's own features. That is only one of the looks that Clive had sworn to protect. Joshua truly has grown to be a fine young man. ]
Aye, it might've been at that. It surely seemed to raise the Hideaway's spirits, if not injure their ears simultaneously.
[ He remembers it quite well. Gav doesn't really hold his alcohol well, even though he likes to say he does. Rather, it seems he doesn't quite know his own limitations. Perhaps he simply doesn't care. Either way, everyone had quite the good time that day.
Which makes him wonder why Joshua believes that he doesn't fit in. ]
If you believe that, then you and I must both "not exactly fit in."
[ Lest Joshua forget that Clive isn't... The most expressive of persons. ]
[Clive's response has Joshua feel a small burn of embarrassment in return. He looks down shyly as he tries to reiterate his feelings.]
I know the two of us haven't had the most... conventional upbringing.
[With the strict hating mother, everyone they love dying, being separated for almost their entire adolescence and everything else...]
Yet, compared to you, you are still leagues ahead of me. Everyone here smiles at the very thought of you walking in to charm the room with your stoic expressions.
[ He only hums in response to the statement, an agreement if nothing else. Bearers and Dominants are not people who are blessed with "conventional" anything. It would appear that they had always been slated to suffer, to some degree. Clive doesn't really wish to dwell on it, the unfortunate truth being that they are not the only ones who would have such a story. There are similar ones and it is quite commonplace in the world they live in.
Further reason to strive to change it. So that this isn't the norm. So that people can truly live. ]
It isn't a trivial matter and there's nothing to forgive, Joshua. In truth, I felt much the same when Cid first brought me to the original Hideaway.
[As always Clive's honest and quiet voice calms Joshua's thoughts. He looks marginally less awkward about this when Clive relates to the sentiment.]
You've always fit in with others so easily. It's hard for me to imagine you stumbling over your own two feet here. Or anywhere.
[Tell him about it, brother. He wants to know everything that Clive has done here. How did he come here and what were his early days like with the hideaway?]
[ What a high opinion to have of your older brother. The comment actually makes him chuckle, reaching for the drink that had been long abandoned by its original owner. ]
Do you wish for me to regale you with stories of meals being shoved at me for delivery?
[ Because that's how it had all started, really. ]
[Joshua actually nods once very quickly at the stated question. He adjusts himself in his chair to show that he is very much interested in learning about these things.]
Yes, I would, actually. Every single moment of it mundane or otherwise.
[Because the last time he had gotten to learn about Clive's life was years ago. They spent so many years apart and Joshua wants to know and understand every single bit of those years. Even about the days he delivered meals.]
[ Honestly, if it is to help Joshua feel more comfortable here, in the Hideaway, then some of his more embarrassing and awkward moments put on display is a small price. One he is willing to pay.
So he begins to speak, to tell Joshua of how he felt when he had first been brought to Cid's Hideaway. How he had wanted to move on quickly, but the people there hadn't felt too keen on the idea. How they had kept telling him of how he now has a place to belong, to stay.
And then he continues with the errands he had been sent on. Everything from soil samples to awkwardly delivering food and hearing everyone's stories. ]
[And all the while Joshua listens to every word and sops it up like a hungry sponge. A small tilt of a smile on his lips as he listens to each bit. And his drink is completely forgotten.]
It must have been difficult. In the beginning.
[Which Joshua knows it partly his fault. For Clive having thought him dead for so long.]
But it does appear you've grown into your position because of all of those mundane chores. [He smiles again.] Seeing even a glimpse into the life you've led here makes me feel ... less distant.
[ Joshua might have forgotten about it, but Clive hasn't. He goes on to take a couple of drinks from the abandoned cup. There's a frown as his fingers grip the cup a bit tighter. ]
Yes. At first all I could think of was seeking revenge for your death. Then when I thought that it was I that had been responsible...
[ He breathes in through his nose and doesn't meet Joshua's gaze. That had been the lowest point of his life. It had nearly broke him. Had it not been for Cid talking to him - ]
You are part of that life now too, Joshua. The Hideaway isn't truly a place, but moreso the people who work and strive to make it a place that others can find refuge in.
[ His lip quirks. ]
Besides. You get fussed at by Tarja just like the rest of us.
[He lets out a shy puff of laughter and feels a string of guilt for being scolded again over Tarja's medicine.]
I suppose I am starting to fit in if you put it like that.
[He lifts his gaze to look at his brother again.]
If that's the case then allow me to rephrase what I mean. What I mean is... I wish to fill in the gaps and years where you did think you had been responsible for what had happened to me. If you'll allow me... I'd like to earn my place in your life again, Clive.
[He just wants to make up for all those lost years...]
[ Perhaps if Joshua had a better track record of actually taking his medicines then he wouldn't be hounded about them.
His eyes do meet Joshua's. Clive's heart does break a little. How could his little brother even remotely think - ]
You need not earn it. There has always been a void that none could fill. As you are now here, I have since felt whole.
[ It's nonsense to think that Joshua needs to do anything at all. Clive has been the one trying to find him when he can. Chasing after him should he get the barest scent of his brother. One cannot earn that which is freely given. That which is already theirs from the start. ]
[Let's not talk about Joshua's track record with his medicine... It's entirely fine. Yes.
Clive's response has Joshua's heart feeling calmer. Perhaps he needed to hear something like that. While he knows that Clive has been better now Joshua can't help but blame himself for some of those darker days when Joshua had been in hiding at the behest of The Undying. All those years of thinking he had killed Joshua... That pain...
Joshua's smile is certain again.]
And I too. Then after this is all said and done we'll see the new dawn together. You, Jill and I.
But he can tell that Joshua seems to be relaxing. Rather, his little brother seems to be accepting of Clive's words. Perhaps he has been put more at ease. That's what brothers, what family, is meant to do for one another. Joshua had always made sure that Clive felt like he still had a place. That Clive is also a part of a family, as opposed to their mother.
Now he is doing the same for his brother. Ensuring him that there is a place for him. That there always has been. ]
Oh there will be plenty to do, once Ultima's plans are laid to rest. No doubt it will mean more adventures to come. We'll face them head on. All of us, together.
[It does put an easier smile on Joshua's face. Having been displaced for so long he felt as though he should find his place amongst Clive and his comrades, earn his keep, all of that ... But maybe he never had to. Maybe he always had his place.
He nods quietly and takes the cup of alcohol once more.]
Then... to more adventures to come. And this time together.
[He holds up the cup for a simple cheer. This time, giving the alcohol a second chance.]
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no subject
Date: 2023-07-10 02:16 am (UTC)Some nights it is nightmares. Long passed are the ones of that night that have changed their lives and put them on this course, but of all the things that he's had to do simply to survive to this day.
Such moments would take him outside his door, overlooking the hideaway in general. The sound of the blighted waters were close enough to those of the pristine oceans. Echoes of the night at least seem to put his mind at ease, for the time being. However, tonight he senses that he is not alone in his restlessness. Clive's feet take him from his quarters and down to the tables.
Spotting Joshua, Clive puts his hands on his hips. No doubt his brother will know that he, too, is awake. There is little hiding from one another now. There is no longer any desire to as Clive crosses the distance and takes a seat across from the his taller sibling. ]
Molly is going to be quite upset if you waste her stores with a cup left half full.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-10 03:23 am (UTC)But those times seem to be very much over now. Being surrounded by people almost every single day here in the hideaway now is a blessing. At first, it was a little difficult to get used to the noise but now that he has he quite likes it. It reminds him of times when people would be gathered in the yard for all matters of things in Rosaria.
Yet... He might still jump just slightly when his brother joins him.]
Brother. You're still awake.
[He smiles slightly and then frowns down at his untouched drink.]
... I've never quite gotten used to the burn it leaves on my throat, to be honest.
[He doesn't like drinking...]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-10 03:36 am (UTC)[ For years now he's known, in his heart, that Joshua had survived. That he had lived on, though apart from him. It had broken his heart, yes, knowing that Joshua had elected to remain at a distance. Though he knows why now, it had been a bitter medicine to take. At least now they stand side by side to face what may yet come. Clive is awash by emotion every time he looks upon his younger brother and sees him.
Whole. Alive. But still unable to eat carrots and as stubborn as a Big Horn about taking his own medicine. ]
All the better for it, really. I'm sure you've seen what Gav is like when he is well into his cups.
[ To have a conversation. To be able to actually be together. It is a blessing that he never wants to overlook. And Clive will be the Shield he had always meant to be. ]
Gil for your thoughts, if you wish to share them.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 12:40 am (UTC)That feeling he gets when his brother looks at him with that long-lost fondness, though. He smiles.]
I know all too well. The last time there was a round of drinks here I was certain he was singing all versions of the chocobo medley he could think of. On repeat. [He sighs.] And I do believe that round of drinks was all thanks to you.
[It is good to have a conversation with Clive again. Although they may be grown adults now and it's lost the innocence they used to have. Finding a moment to bring up something like that is good. But it might also add to a bit of Joshua's uneasiness.]
As for my thoughts... I was only thinking of how lively this place has been even in these darker days. And I can't help wondering if I might not exactly ... fit in.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 11:27 pm (UTC)Seeing Joshua smile, even if it is wane or uneasy, brings a rare one to Clive's own features. That is only one of the looks that Clive had sworn to protect. Joshua truly has grown to be a fine young man. ]
Aye, it might've been at that. It surely seemed to raise the Hideaway's spirits, if not injure their ears simultaneously.
[ He remembers it quite well. Gav doesn't really hold his alcohol well, even though he likes to say he does. Rather, it seems he doesn't quite know his own limitations. Perhaps he simply doesn't care. Either way, everyone had quite the good time that day.
Which makes him wonder why Joshua believes that he doesn't fit in. ]
If you believe that, then you and I must both "not exactly fit in."
[ Lest Joshua forget that Clive isn't... The most expressive of persons. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-18 03:50 am (UTC)I know the two of us haven't had the most... conventional upbringing.
[With the strict hating mother, everyone they love dying, being separated for almost their entire adolescence and everything else...]
Yet, compared to you, you are still leagues ahead of me. Everyone here smiles at the very thought of you walking in to charm the room with your stoic expressions.
[He looks up to smile softly again.]
I know it's a trivial matter. Forgive me.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-19 02:32 am (UTC)Further reason to strive to change it. So that this isn't the norm. So that people can truly live. ]
It isn't a trivial matter and there's nothing to forgive, Joshua. In truth, I felt much the same when Cid first brought me to the original Hideaway.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-22 08:56 pm (UTC)You've always fit in with others so easily. It's hard for me to imagine you stumbling over your own two feet here. Or anywhere.
[Tell him about it, brother. He wants to know everything that Clive has done here. How did he come here and what were his early days like with the hideaway?]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-23 06:00 am (UTC)Do you wish for me to regale you with stories of meals being shoved at me for delivery?
[ Because that's how it had all started, really. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-23 06:47 am (UTC)Yes, I would, actually. Every single moment of it mundane or otherwise.
[Because the last time he had gotten to learn about Clive's life was years ago. They spent so many years apart and Joshua wants to know and understand every single bit of those years. Even about the days he delivered meals.]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-23 03:36 pm (UTC)So he begins to speak, to tell Joshua of how he felt when he had first been brought to Cid's Hideaway. How he had wanted to move on quickly, but the people there hadn't felt too keen on the idea. How they had kept telling him of how he now has a place to belong, to stay.
And then he continues with the errands he had been sent on. Everything from soil samples to awkwardly delivering food and hearing everyone's stories. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-27 01:27 am (UTC)It must have been difficult. In the beginning.
[Which Joshua knows it partly his fault. For Clive having thought him dead for so long.]
But it does appear you've grown into your position because of all of those mundane chores. [He smiles again.] Seeing even a glimpse into the life you've led here makes me feel ... less distant.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-28 12:02 am (UTC)Yes. At first all I could think of was seeking revenge for your death. Then when I thought that it was I that had been responsible...
[ He breathes in through his nose and doesn't meet Joshua's gaze. That had been the lowest point of his life. It had nearly broke him. Had it not been for Cid talking to him - ]
You are part of that life now too, Joshua. The Hideaway isn't truly a place, but moreso the people who work and strive to make it a place that others can find refuge in.
[ His lip quirks. ]
Besides. You get fussed at by Tarja just like the rest of us.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-01 12:50 am (UTC)I suppose I am starting to fit in if you put it like that.
[He lifts his gaze to look at his brother again.]
If that's the case then allow me to rephrase what I mean. What I mean is... I wish to fill in the gaps and years where you did think you had been responsible for what had happened to me. If you'll allow me... I'd like to earn my place in your life again, Clive.
[He just wants to make up for all those lost years...]
no subject
Date: 2023-08-08 01:48 am (UTC)His eyes do meet Joshua's. Clive's heart does break a little. How could his little brother even remotely think - ]
You need not earn it. There has always been a void that none could fill. As you are now here, I have since felt whole.
[ It's nonsense to think that Joshua needs to do anything at all. Clive has been the one trying to find him when he can. Chasing after him should he get the barest scent of his brother. One cannot earn that which is freely given. That which is already theirs from the start. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-08-13 03:53 pm (UTC)Clive's response has Joshua's heart feeling calmer. Perhaps he needed to hear something like that. While he knows that Clive has been better now Joshua can't help but blame himself for some of those darker days when Joshua had been in hiding at the behest of The Undying. All those years of thinking he had killed Joshua... That pain...
Joshua's smile is certain again.]
And I too. Then after this is all said and done we'll see the new dawn together. You, Jill and I.
[For another adventure together, he hopes.]
no subject
Date: 2023-08-13 06:15 pm (UTC)But he can tell that Joshua seems to be relaxing. Rather, his little brother seems to be accepting of Clive's words. Perhaps he has been put more at ease. That's what brothers, what family, is meant to do for one another. Joshua had always made sure that Clive felt like he still had a place. That Clive is also a part of a family, as opposed to their mother.
Now he is doing the same for his brother. Ensuring him that there is a place for him. That there always has been. ]
Oh there will be plenty to do, once Ultima's plans are laid to rest. No doubt it will mean more adventures to come. We'll face them head on. All of us, together.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-13 08:37 pm (UTC)He nods quietly and takes the cup of alcohol once more.]
Then... to more adventures to come. And this time together.
[He holds up the cup for a simple cheer. This time, giving the alcohol a second chance.]